The Ethics of Talking Trash

Talking trash as it relates to the sports world has been going on since sports themselves. I’m sure back in those 1st Olympic Games in Athens, just as fans were rooting for their heroes to succeed, there was someone else telling them that their heroes sucked. I’m not sure if its human nature or an outlet for our competitive spirit when we aren’t an active contestant. Maybe it’s just our way of participating in the event; no matter what the reason is, talking trash is an aspect to any sports fan’s life.

Most fans have been rooting for their teams long enough to know that there is a certain code of conduct that is associated with being a fan. There’s an invisible line that you should never cross. Like any sport, it’s the “code” of unwritten rules that you play YOUR game by. Well, here’s an attempt to codify some of these rules that we all know. Just like we know which urinal to go to when there are a few options, we know when we CAN and when we CAN’T talk trash.

In this day of technology, a text, email or instant message is just fine letting the other know what you think. While a phone call used to be a must, we’ve moved forward as a society. Likewise, trash talking has moved into the 21st century. Please remember that these rules apply for any mode of communication. Nobody wants to talk while their team is getting spanked (and they probably wouldn’t answer the phone anyway).

So here are the Top 10 Rules to live by (and a couple of bonus ones for good measure):

Article 1: The number #1 most important rule for talking trash: If you don’t talk shit before, then you can’t talk shit afterwards. Nothing is more annoying than someone that calls up after a game because their team won. Anyone can have a big pair of balls after they just won—it takes a real man (or woman) to put it on the line and talk before the game. Aside from it being lame and annoying, it just shows a lack of character.

Article 2: No bandwagon cheering at any times. This is pretty straight forward and I’m upset that I even have to mention it here—but there are those that need a reminder. If your team is out, then you’re out for the year. You can root for a team in a game/tournament/whatever, but don’t pretend like you’re some Super Fan. You’re a casual fan with a casual interest. Nothing more, nothing less.

Article 3: Closely related to Article 2: You can’t jump off the wagon because your team is having a bad year. It’s only natural to question your allegiance from time to time. Sometimes you’ll wonder why you’re players don’t care as much as you do. Sometimes you’ll wonder why your owner seems like the cheapest billionaire the world has ever seen. Hell, sometimes you’ll think that you’d do a better job as GM than anyone your organization has ever hired. None of that matters—it builds character to go through the rockiest of times with your team. You stick through the good times and bad, through thick and thin. When your team finally makes it to the top of the mountain, you’ll be able to say that you were with them the entire way.

Article 4 (a) : It’s important to realize the significance of the mandatory “Cooling Off Period.” This can be a little confusing, but it’s something that should be ingrained in everyone’s DNA from birth. It’s just something that you KNOW—kind of like the different between right and wrong. When your friend’s team loses a heartbreaker, you have to give them a little time to recover. The last thing you want is your friend yapping in your ear or blowing up your phone when you’re dealing with heartbreak. Depending on the nature of the loss, it’s best to wait 24-48 hours before you start bringing the pain. You’d ask for the same, right?

(b) Now, the corollary to this rule is if your friend’s team gets absolutely pounded. If your friend has any integrity, they’ll be able to handle it much earlier. We all know that a 49-3 loss in the NFL sucks, but it’s much easier to lose like that than to lose on a last second field goal in the playoffs. In fact, if there’s a game where my team is getting blown out—I’ll just call a friend and take the punishment early. To be honest though, usually I’M the one talking trash about my own team because I’m so pissed. Everyone has different ways of handling their grief; this is my way of dealing with it.  I highly recommend this technique.  Not only does your friend end up looking at the silver lining for you, but its extremely cathartic.

Article 5: Don’t make the trash talk personal. When you’re talking with friends, keep the trash talking to sports. You can make fun of trades that happened 10 years ago, you can make fun of a player’s tendency to be injury prone and even make fun of a team’s fans. But when a conversation slips into something like, “oh yeah, well at least the Dodgers pay me back the money they owe me.” It crosses the line, makes everyone feel awkward and has no place here.

Article 6: If you’re team gets swept a week before and you are visibly silent—then sweep back and you proceed to talk shit, then you’re violating some kind of ethical rule. My friend Philly Phan broke this rule last season when the Dodgers swept the Phillies in mid-August. He was nowhere to be found—but a couple of weeks later when the Phillies returned the favor; I was getting texts every single day. Don’t even get me started on the NLCS. Once he crawled into his hole after that first series, he gave up his right to talk shit about my team for the rest of the season. It’s just etiquette.

Article 7: Your close friends should know your allegiances. No one should be able to say, “Oh, I’ve always been a fan of such-and-such.” No, that doesn’t fly. When I think of my friends, I can tell you their favorite teams in every sport—and I talk trash accordingly. I don’t want to talk to someone and all of a sudden they say, “Oh no… I’ve always like the Tampa Bay Rays!” No you haven’t. In fact, until last year, you probably didn’t even know they existed. Don’t embarrass yourself.

Article 8: Anything said while drunk does not count. Let’s be honest, we’ve all been there. We’ve all had a few too many pops while watching a game, then blurt out something that has no place. I think I said something like, “Rick Neuheisel is just as good as Pete Carroll! Come on, USC sucks!” Ok, first of all, no matter what my feelings are towards the Trojans, they most certainly do not suck. Secondly, Pete Carroll has won a few national championships—Rick Neuheisel has been to a couple of bowl games. Not much of a comparison there. However, I get a free pass because I was caught up in the USC/UCLA game and I was incredibly drunk. As long as it’s not personal, you can think of it as a “get out of jail free card.”

Article 9: This is a relatively new rule to the list: If someone is recording the game (TiVo, DVR, etc.) and watching it later that night, you have to respect the effort and wait until they watch the game to run the talk. Even if you want to make fun of every strikeout, first down, or interference penalty—you have to wait it out. By no means are you obligated to take it easy on the friend AFTER they’ve watched the game; but you DO have to wait until they have watched it. It’s like the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” If you were recording a game so you could watch it, would YOU want constant updates? I didn’t think so. Text messages like, “Oh my god, you’re getting killed! JK” are not funny and go against the intent of this Rule.

Article 10: (a)You have to have some kind of knowledge about sports to be able to talk trash. Nothing’s worse than being at work and “that guy” starts to run game. If you don’t have a base knowledge, then you don’t have a frame of reference. Here’s a perfect example: at the beginning of the NFL season last year, there was a guy telling me how Favre was going to suck on the Giants. “They’re no good, Favre will make them worse…” So we tell him that he’s on the JETS, not the GIANTS—his response: “whatever, all those New York teams suck.” Yeah, the Giants had just won the Super Bowl, but don’t let that get in the way of your uneducated rant. The guy brought nothing to the table and actually wasted 5 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back. That’s why he needs to educate himself before he has the right to talk trash.

(b)Another word of advice for people that want to participate in trash talking: Have a take of your own! You can’t just regurgitate what you saw on SportsCenter last night. Here’s a little secret—we ALL saw SportsCenter last night and you’re not bringing anything new to the conversation. It’s pretty simple really: if you don’t have an idea of your own, then you don’t have an idea.

Bonus

Article 11: The bigger the game, the more you have to beware! Like a cornered animal you might get bit harder than usual. During a regular season game, you might hear something like “Eff you, bitch.” But if it’s something like the Super Bowl, it’s going to get brutal. Trust me—I have a friend that’s a Raiders fan and he STILL hasn’t forgotten Super Bowl XXXVII. Of course, I won’t let him forget either!

Article 12: If you start running your trash talk, you have to be prepared to defend yourself. Once you start it, you’re fair game for everyone else. You can’t trash someone’s team, and then act offended when someone returns the favor. If you don’t have thick skin, you might want to keep your mouth shut. Like the old saying says, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.”

Of course, there are many more guidelines in the world of trash talking. If you follow these simple steps, it will go a long way to adding to your sports experience. But this is a community—so what rules do you and YOUR friends follow? Everyone says “anything goes,” but there are usually some limits to everyone’s trash talking. What are yours?

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