Certificate of Death—New Jersey Devils 2008-09 Season
by Matt Reitz on April 29, 2009
Last night’s loss for the New Jersey Devils had to be one of the most painful ways to lose a series. Forget series, it’s the hardest way to lose a hockey game PERIOD! After a decade and a half of having Martin Brodeur, Devils fans haven’t felt this feeling in a very, very long time. But it’s something that all hockey fans go through from time to time. They’ll get over it and deal with the pain that comes with such a heartbreaking loss. It’s with this in mind that we give you to the Final Death Certificate of the Devils season.
| Name of Decedent (First Name): |
New Jersey Devils |
| Middle: |
“I Can’t Believe Marty Just Choked” |
| Last: |
2008-09 Season |
| Also Known As (AKA): |
Colorado Rockies/Kansas City Scouts |
| Date of Birth: |
6/8/72 |
| Age: |
36 since founded, 34 years of playing, 26 years in NJ |
| Sex: |
After Tuesday’s game, none. |
| Birth State/Foreign Country: |
Missouri |
| Social Security Number: |
666-66-6666 |
| Marital Status: |
Domestic Partners with the Philadelphia Flyers (according to Rangers fans) |
| Date of Death: |
04/28/2009 |
| Hour of Death: |
22:21 |
| Usual Occupation: |
Tearing up the Eastern Conference |
| Type of Business or Industry: |
Hockey (formerly “Boring Trapping Hockey”) |
| Years in Occupation: |
14 |
| Decedent’s Residence: |
165 Mulberry St. |
| City: |
Newark |
| County: |
Essex |
| Years in County: |
1 |
| State/Foreign Country: |
NJ |
| Informant’s Name, Relationship: |
Mike “Doc” Emerick, Announcer |
| Informant’s Occupation: |
Hall of Fame Play-By-Play guy |
| Survived By: |
Carolina Hurricanes |
| Disposition Date: |
04/28/2009 (Immediately following Death) |
| Place of Final Disposition: |
In the Giants Stadium end-zone next to Jimmy Hoffa |
| Cause of Death: |
Blunt trauma to five-hole and blocker hand |
| Length: |
48.3 seconds |
| Other Significant Conditions Contributing to Death (1): |
Gag reflex |
| Other Significant Conditions Contributing to Death (2): |
Contusion to heart/ego |
| Attending Physicians: |
Paul Devorski and Kevin Pollock |
Today’s Date: April 29th, 2009
Last night’s loss for the New Jersey Devils had to be one of the most painful ways to lose a series. Forget series, it’s the hardest way to lose a hockey game PERIOD! After a decade and a half of having Martin Brodeur, Devils fans haven’t felt this feeling in a very, very long time. But it’s something that all hockey fans go through from time to time. 
