"Stop being silly. Of course I want to see you lift the Cup… you know I do."
Sidney Crosby (sobbing): What happened Gary? I thought you said you would take care of everything!
Gary Bettman: There, there son. We tried. You know I want to give you everything that I can… but sometimes you can’t always get what you want.
Crosby (stomping foot): Yes I can! I want the Cup Dad. I want it, want it, want it!!!!!
Bettman: Sid, we’ve tried everything we could. Look at what Uncle Colin did for you. He made sure that Geno could play with you for the rest of the series. That was pretty nice, wasn’t it?
Crosby: Yeah, I guess.
Bettman: And what about how we gave you all those power plays throughout the entire playoffs? That was pretty nice, wasn’t it?
Crosby: Yeah, but why aren’t the refs doing it anymore? It’s just mean—they won’t call anything on those big bad Red Wings. And that Zetterberg guy is the WORST! He follows me everywhere I go! It’s not fair! You should make the refs call penalties on him so we can have power plays and score. PLEASE?!?!
Bettman: Now Sid, we can’t just go around making things up.
Crosby: Of course you can! You made up the rules to make sure I went to Pittsburgh! You changed the rules when Geno didn’t get suspended for his instigator.
Bettman: Well, what do you want us to do then?
Crosby: Can we just play with an extra guy for a while? I mean, the penalties are cool and everything—but can we just play with an extra guy for a little while?
Bettman: I’m not sure that even I can swing that!
Crosby (crossing arms and stomping foot again): But Gary! Why not?!!? Don’t you want to see me lift the Cup over my head?
Bettman: Stop being silly. Of course I want to see you lift the Cup… you know I do. How about we let you play with an extra guy for like 30 seconds, but then we call a penalty right afterwards? Is that good enough?
Crosby: I guess. But can I hit people in the head too?
Bettman: No! We already let you cross-check Zetterberg in the back of the head in Game 1 because we knew you were upset. There was some bad publicity for that—you can’t go around hitting one of their stars in the head.
Asking for the rules to be bent for HIM is one thing, asking for his teammates is "leadership"
Crosby: No! I’m the only star! How about we let one of my linemates hit one of Henrik’s linemates in the head? Would that be better? No one would know! Like, maybe we could have someone like Chris (Kunitz) hit that Mule guy in the head with his stick? I won’t tell anyone if you don’t!
Bettman: I guess we could do that. But Sid… let me tell you something. You guys need to start scoring on even strength. If you only score on your power plays, people might start to suspect something’s up.
Crosby: I’m trying! I told you… that Zetterberg guy is cheating. He keeps covering me and stuff. Every time I’m out there… he’s right there with me. I hate it! What do you want from me…? I’m trying my best!
Bettman: There, there Sid. We all know that you’re trying your best. You’re doing a great job! Maybe you could talk to your friend Geno and see if he could put some pucks in the net. Or maybe set-up some goals—you guys just need to score more than 1 goal per game if you want to win.
Crosby: I told you, we are trying. That Osgood guy has been Osgreat! He only stops pucks in the playoffs… that’s not fair either. Can I run him over when the game is on the line?
Bettman: Of course you can. You know the rules… just try to “look” like you got pushed in. We’ll just say that you were forced in. We all know that you’re a clean player that would never do anything dirty…
Crosby: Ok, thanks a lot. I gotta go now… Versus and NBC want me to do a special feature for them so I can take up the entire pre-game show before the next couple of games.
Bettman (bursting with pride): Well of course you do. Go get ‘em son… and I’ll do my best to take care of everything. Tell Mario I said Hi… and tell him that he still owes me!
Crosby: I’ll tell him when I get home. Bye.
Of course, that’s all we could hear. I’m sure Bettman was talking about how he arranged for Mark Messier to slobber all over him on national cable TV when talking about the Leadership Award—but I don’t know what was said. I don’t want to make anything up.
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parody: In art, music, or literature, a satire that mimics the style of its object.
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
well i think its rather funny that while yall are complaining about sid and how he cries so much that Max Talbot, the unsung hero, won the game for us..just goes to show you that we dont need crosby cause the pens are a real team and can win it with anyone. have fun sulking this summer over your loss!
LETS GO PENS!!
to help the expansion teams be more competitive bettman allowed goalie equipment to get bigger and bigger put away the whistles to obstruct talent and give them a chance to compete with teams that took years to build. the panthers making it to the cup final in 96 “the year of the rat” in only their 3rd yr. of existence the is most successful example of an expansion team in modern sports i believe. too bad this competitive, low scoring hockey didn’t result in a more lucrative televison market and nhl market in general as he had planned. and even worse too bad the goalie equipment is still over sized and most of the few goals scored are what was known as “garbage goals” and coaches place strict emphasis on restricting talent rather than showcasing it. there is no doubt in my mind that bettman wanted his poster boy too hoist the cup. how did he hush up the allegations that a ref (larue) was yelling at a penguin to get off the ice rather than call a too many men penalty. crosby is a great player but a poor loser he should grow up and set a better example for all his young fans.
great comment. i always wondered why they always insisted on not calling penalties and allowing obstruction and bigger goalie equipment. that is incredible.
hal gill’s pim total is suspicious
Wow that was great and probably 99.9% true
dawm with that idiot bettman who screw philly,washington and detroit in the same year the lockout was to intitute to loteri to send crosby to pittsburgh lotery my ass bettman the worst thing to ever apen to hockey
all he stupid team location made great run in the playoff the refery are not bad they just listen to the little bastard
I just think this post is funny. Cindy Crosby.
WOW hot shortz. I see some good little 5 year old got a new computer for his birthday. Better tell mommy and daddy thank you. Now that you have added your dumb little thought you can go back to you alter boy church chat room. Be carefull though.
MiMi……it’s a conspiracy! I know you’re pissed about gm 3.
I’m actually taking it pretty well. I kinda expected all the calls to screw us. Couldn’t have the series end in a sweep. It would hurt little Cindy’s feelings.
Plus now we can win it at home!
Mimi you know how I feel about the wings. I think the Redwings Sweater is the ugliest sweater in the NHL and would not miss a minute of sleep if Detriot was Nuked off the face of the earth. In any other year, even though Pitt is a division rival… I would bite my tounge and still want the East to win the cup just as I did with NJ all those years. And I never thought what I am about to say would EVER cross my lips and am not sure they will ever again. But since I hope the the biggest crybaby douche in the NHL Sidney Crosby NEVER gets to drink from Lord Stanley’s cup; GO WINGS.
A Flyer fan that actually uttered the words “Go Wings.” Unbelievable.
(wait, is someone holding a gun to your head?)
I am in complete shock.
I never thought I would see the day Phlyer Phan.
But I thank you for that!!
GO WINGS!!!!!
Hey Cheap Seats,
Here’s my my comment…now you can go suck it.
Fantastic!!!
It would be the funny if it wasnt so true. My psyc 101 professor was correct about projecting and rolemodels. Sidney has projected his whinny crybaby personality on to the once great Pittsburg fans. Grow up guys.
That was hilarious!