We’ve been lucky enough to have correspondents in the right place at the right time. We were there when Sidney Crosby begged for special treatment from Gary Bettman. We were there when Ken Holland sold his soul to the Devil to try to win another Stanley Cup. And we were there when Jiri Hudler was approached by mobsters to play hockey in Russia. Yeah, we’re good.
This time, we have an exclusive transcript from Phil Kessel’s agent (Wade Arnott), his brother Jason (Nashville captain) and Nashville’s GM David Poile. Due to the confidential nature of these illegal talks, all 3 will be pissed if Kessel ends up in Nashville. So don’t hold your breath Predator fans.
Without further adieu, here’s what we heard.
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Jason Arnott walks into Wade Arnott’s office…
Just doing anything he can do to help the team. After all, he's old...
Wade: Hey bro! Long time, no see! What have you been up to? Shouldn’t you be getting ready for training camp in Nashville?
Jason: Well, yeah… I’m old though. They’ll understand if I’m a little late… there’s only so much hockey I have left in this body. I don’t want to waste it on practice. Practice? Practice?
Wade: Thank you Mr. Iverson. If you’re not in Nashville—what are you doing here?
Jason: Well, you know that I’m captain down in Nashville now….
Wade: (laughing) I know! How’d you pull that off!!?!?
Jason: OK asshole. That wasn’t my point. I’m captain because I have a lot of experience. Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted… I have a favor to ask of you. What’s going on with Phil Kessel?
Wade: Funny you should mention that—I have a meeting with him in about 5 minutes.
Jason: Well?
Wade: I’m not sure what’s going on with him. Between you and me—he’s not happy with how the negotiations are going with Boston. On top of that, the Bruins don’t have all that much cap space—so there’s a huge problem there.
Jason: That’s what I thought. I figured if he wanted to be there, it would already be done. And that’s why I’m here. I want to do anything I can to help the Predators win. They have great fans, they’ve been nothing but supportive of me and they had to deal with Boots Del Biaggio and Jim Balsillie.
Wade: AND, they used to play in a place called the Gaylord Center.
Jason: Exactly. They’ve been through a lot. So what can you do to help them?
Wade: What can I do? I’m not the superstar center with “experience.”
Jason: No, but you ARE the agent that represents a guy that scored 36 goals last season.
Wade: You know that Dany Heatley’s available, right?
Jason: First of all, Heatley was traded to San Jose. Aren’t you in the hockey business? You should know that! Secondly, Heatley’s a nutbag and Nashville is too close to Atlanta.
Wade: Good point. That guy really is a nutbag. San Jose? Really? I’m sure he’ll help them with their team chemistry in April.
(Both hardily laugh. I mean HARDILY)
Wade: So you want me to convince Phil Kessel to go to the Nashville Predators? Well, you know that he’s not an unrestricted free agent, right? He can’t just sign with anyone that he wants. Why don’t you talk to David Poile and have him sign my client to an offer sheet?
Jason: Oh, I already talked to him. Dave is outside in the hall. He thinks that this would be tampering or something—so he wanted to stay out of it.
Wade: Yet he’s outside?
Jason: Yep. He wants to stay out of it—but have you seen our top 2 lines? Wade, we REALLY need a top flight scorer. But, we’re a young team and we don’t really want to give up our 1st, 2nd and 3rd round picks for ANYONE. We’re Nashville. It’s not the easiest thing to sign a free agent.
Wade: I see your point. So what can I do?
Jason: Well, Dave won’t admit this, but he had a great idea. Why don’t you have Kessel TELL the Bruins that he has no intentions of ever signing a contract with them?
Wade: Why does that help?
Future Maple Leaf? Or maybe future Predator?
David Poile (from outside the door): Because then they’ll try to trade him!!!
Wade gets up and opens the door. David Poile is caught hold a glass up to the door.
Wade: C’mon in and join us. Please.
David: OK, but just for a minute. Don’t tell anyone! Do you think you can help us?
Wade: What exactly do you want me to do? Again, he’s not a free agent—so my client’s options are limited.
David: Like I said, why don’t you leak something to the press that says that Phil has no intentions of signing with Boston? That would force the Bruins to explore the possibility of a trade. I don’t want to part with our draft picks—but we have a ton of defensemen. I’m sure we could work out some kind of deal!
Wade: Well, that’s for you and Peter Chiarelli to work out. But what do I get out of this deal?
Jason: I’m your brother! You’re not going to do this out of the love of your heart?
Wade: I’m an agent—you know that I had to give up my heart when I officially started representing hockey players. I just have a void in my chest where my heart used to be.
Jason: Good point. Ummm….
David: Well, Boston can’t sign Phil for the market value. And I’m sure you saw the news that Brian Burke reacquired the Leafs’ 2nd round pick from Chicago. You know he’s gearing up to make a run at a restricted free agent, right?
Wade: Yeah, we saw that could be a possibility.
David: Do you really want your client to go to Toronto? That’s where forwards go to die! Does Jason Allison or Jeff O’Neill ring a bell?
Jason: I think Jason Allison is making a comeback this year.
David: Well yeah, if he can beat out Wayne Primeau for a roster spot!
(Everyone laughs)
David: All I’m asking is that you leak the information about how Phil doesn’t want to resign with the Bruins. The Toronto media will swarm all over the story, that asshat Brian Burke will think he’s the only GM interested in Kessel and while he’s busy stroking his own ego, I’ll be able to negotiate with Chiarelli.
Wade: I’ll see what I can do.
David: Do it for Phil. Do it for America.
Jason: Do it for your brother!
Wade: Hey, Mom and Dad already gave me the shitty name in the family. Do you remember how many times I got my ass kicked when we were kids because my name is “Wade”? I don’t need to do any favors for you!
Jason: I’ll let you wear my Stanley Cup ring.
(Dead silence)
Wade: I’ll call Phil right now. Don’t tell Burke. Jason, go get your ring. I have a date tonight—and if I have the ring, I think I could close the deal… I’m an agent. It’s all about closing the deal.
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As if that isn’t enough for you, here’s further proof that the Nashville Predators are in the mix for Phil Kessel…
parody: In art, music, or literature, a satire that mimics the style of its object
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
LOL. Nice Mark. Yeah, I have to admit… you should have received some kind of compensation. But if you received draft picks, what would the Coyotes get??
Good stuff!
The Preds should just compensatory picks from the league for having to deal with Boots and Balsillie
Loved your article.