Once again, our investigative reporting staff has been hard at work. You may have heard that ESPN recently released their first Power Rankings of the year. The results of the rankings are what make this story noteworthy. The Lightning were ranked 10th (in the NHL, not the East), the Devils were at 24th and Avalanche are in last. At least they got 1 of them right! Aside from the cellar-dwelling Avs, the rest of the list looks like a list put together by an elementary school kid riding the short bus. Obviously, they weren’t going for accuracy.
Thankfully, we can cut through all the speculation and get to the heart of the matter. We had a correspondent present when ESPN attempted to put together their power rankings last week. He was able to document the proceedings and has presented his findings here for your enjoyment. You can thank us later.
Normally, I’d include a link to a story that I’m talking about—but not in this case. Every single person that reads that ranking list will be just a little bit dumber by the time they finish. (Trust me, I was—and I don’t have too much to spare). If you care that much, I’m sure you can Google it and find the Rankings without too much effort. But honestly, read at your own risk. It should be used for comedy purposes only.
Without further adieu, here’s a rundown of what we heard in Bristol.
_______________
ESPN Exec: OK everyone, it’s that time of year again!
Peter Gammons: What? Red Sox and Yankees? *he throws up his hand for an unreciprocated high-five*
ESPN Exec: Well, yes. But not that…
Bill Walton: (interrupts) Even the dimmest among us knows that as the seasons turn, it’s symbolizes a shift to the greatest game in the world. That is the NBA. As the great John Wooden said, “Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.”
ESPN Exec: No Bill. And what the hell are you talking about?
"Hey Joe, do you wanna see my Luis Tiant baseball card?"
Trey Wingo: What is it boss? I want to tell you that it’s time for football—but we all know that football is EVERYDAY.
ESPN Exec: You’re right Trey. We’re not here to talk about football. But I WILL need those Brett Favre and Dallas Cowboys segments taped before you leave.
Wingo: Of course. We’ll talk about what would happen if Favre was able to lead a game winning drive in the new Cowboys Stadium. We’re talking to scientists to see if Earth would fall off of its axis.
Gammons: (muttering) Stupid football. We’re ALWAYS talking about football. Why can’t we talk about the Red Sox once in a while? I’m the Hall of Famer…
ESPN Exec: What was that Peter?
Gammons: Nothing. So what’s up?
ESPN Exec: Well, you’re all wrong. You all know that we take our role as the Worldwide Leader in Sports very seriously. Well, it’s that time of year that we turn our attention to some of the smaller sports. It’s time to start thinking about hockey season!
(Everyone explodes with laughter)
Wingo: Really boss, what’s up?
ESPN Exec: I’m serious. The NHL is getting ready start and we want to create some power rankings to get people ready for the season. Who’s up to help contribute?
Walton: No offense, but I don’t know the first thing about hockey.
Wingo: Yeah, but you don’t know anything about basketball either—and that doesn’t slow you down.
Walton: As the great Jerry Garcia said during his legendary Europe ’72 tour, “And as far as I’m concerned, it’s like I say, drugs are not the problem. Other stuff is the problem.”
ESPN Exec: Ummm, thanks for that Bill. I’m serious—who would like to help?
Gammons: I could take Dustin Pedoria to a game in Boston. People would LOVE to hear my tales with one of the most beloved members of the Sox!
ESPN Exec: That’s something to keep in mind Peter. But for now, we need to think about those power rankings.
Wingo: I’m not sure any of us are going to be able to help you. Here’s a great idea: Why don’t you ask someone in our HOCKEY DEPARTMENT?!?!
ESPN Exec: Because we don’t have a hockey department. Barry Melrose is getting his mullet trimmed and gangsta suits tailored. John Buccigross is busy hosting the middle-of-the-afternoon SportsCenter.
I have two words for you: Acid Trips.
Gammons: What about THAT guy *points finger*
ESPN Exec: Burnside? I don’t know about that… We just keep him employed so we can maintain the appearance of having a hockey staff outside of Bucci.
Walton: Really? That guy? Even I know that guy isn’t helping your cause.
ESPN Exec: Good point.
(At this point, Burnside realizes that the group is talking about him from across the room. He gets up from his chair in the corner and half-stumbles to the conference table. No one can tell if he just woke up or if he’s drunk. This is what an NHL writer looks like at ESPN—nothing out of the ordinary here)
Burnside: What’s up guys? What can I do ya for?
(Everyone cringes)
ESPN Exec: Maybe it would be best if you didn’t speak Scott. There’s a reason we have you on the NHL section of espn.com and why we never put you in front of a camera. Just—be still.
Burnside: To be honest, I don’t really know much about the NHL. The thing is—no one else around here knows anything either… I think that’s how I get away with it. Buccigross knows I’m a fraud, but he is busy enough. He doesn’t want even more crap thrown his way. That’s why he doesn’t call me out. But we both know that I’m full of shit.
ESPN Exec: Well, we all know that Scott. But that’s unimportant right now. What we need is for you to put together a Power Ranking for all 30 teams this week. The season starts on Thursday—so we need it sometime early this week.
Burnside: There are 30 teams in the league? Wow… who woulda known. I’m not even sure I can NAME all 30 teams, let alone rank them. I watch it on TV sometimes, but it’s always the same teams. I just thought there were only like 6 teams.
ESPN Exec: Nope, there are 30 Scott. They all have their own arenas, jerseys and everything. It’s very impressive!
Burnside: Wow! 30 sold out buildings? That’s awesome…
It was a Penguin head, not a Duck head. Close enough.
ESPN Exec: I didn’t say they sold out. I said they had their own jerseys. But that’s unimportant. You need to focus. Power rankings in my hand by the beginning of the week.
Burnside: How am I supposed to rank the teams when they haven’t even played a game yet? That seems like a waste of time, doesn’t it?
ESPN Exec: College football does it all the time. Hell, that’s how they determine their national champion! I’m not asking you to pick the Stanley Cup winner, I’m just asking you to fill a page on a website. Maybe you could have Lee Corso help you…
(At that moment, Lee Corso pokes his head in the door)
Corso: (while wearing a giant Penguin head) Not so fast my friend! We’re already screwing up my sport—I don’t want to screw hockey up too…
(Everyone snickers and Corso leaves as quickly as he arrived)
Burnside: Was that Penguin just talking to us?
ESPN Exec: God you’re an idiot. Alright, we’re going to have to figure this out. Let’s work together. Which teams do you know?
Burnside: Let’s see… I know the Red Wings, Penguins, Flyers, Blackhawks and uhhh… who does Ovechkin play for? The Caps! I know the Caps… Ohhh! And the Sharks! I know the Sharks too.
ESPN Exec: Great! Make those your top 6 teams. If you know them, they must be good! Why don’t you just put the other 24 teams in a hat and draw names. Seems like a good way to order the rest of the league.
Burnside: That would be great, sir. But how are we going to figure out the other 24 team names to put in the hat? I already told you all the teams that I know!
ESPN Exec: Alright… that’s not going to work. Unless someone in here knows the names of all the NHL teams.
Wingo: Don’t look at me man. Between Michael Vick and Mark Sanchez—I don’t have time for any other sports.
(The executive turns his attention to Walton and Gammons. Walton looks like he’s in the middle of an acid flashback while Gammons is looking at his Luis Tiant baseball card that he keeps in his wallet)
ESPN Exec: You guys are of NO use whatsoever. I have an idea though. How about we get a big map and throw some darts. Whichever big city the dart is closest to, that’s the city that will be next on our list. We can go back and ask Bucci later about which team plays where.
Burnside: I like darts.
ESPN Exec: Fantastic. It’s settled then. I’ll get a map, you get the darts. We’ll hammer this article out in no time. Everyone else, you can leave. You were absolutely no help whatsoever.
Wingo: No problem boss!
ESPN Exec: I’ll meet you back here in an hour. Go get your darts from home—it should be easy.
Burnside: I like darts.
ESPN Exec: God, you’re an idiot.
_______________
And that’s how it went down. Trust me, I’m a journalist.
