John Tavares and his Toronto Circus

9:00am—The Globe and Mail, TSN, CBC, Rogers Sportsnet, Tim Hortons and the Parliament all send 90% of their staff to the Air Canada Centre to cover the “prodigal son’s return to the Motherland.” Or as the rest of the world sees it, just another Eastern Conference games between two teams that are long shots to make the playoffs.

9:05am—Matt Moulson realizes that it’s not HIS return that everyone has been eagerly awaiting. He goes back to trimming his gigantic eyebrows.

9:30am—NHL Network asks for a quick interview with Tavares. He asks if they still have the same set that looks like a 1990’s version of a Local Access Channel set. When the producer says yes, Tavares politely declines the interview invitation.

11:00am–Ron Wilson says that the Leafs need more Power Play opportunities. He doesn’t really say this to anyone in particular. (Keep this in mind for later)

12:52pm—The Globe and Mail publishes a story that informs us that Tavares got to sleep at home with his parents. Not “with” his parents, but in their home. Journalistic standards.

12:53pm—The Globe and Mail piece waited until the 1st sentence of the 2nd paragraph before mentioning the name Wayne Gretzky. Don’t feel special, they do this to every hotshot prospect that is a native of Ontario.

1:00pm–Gary Bettman demands that someone does a Sidney Crosby story immediately. Everyone looks at Pierre Maguire. He looks up and responds, “I’m working on a story about Mike Richards—the greatest player of all time.”

2:14pm–Scott Gordon asks if anyone wants to talk to Kyle Okposo—the other budding superstar on his team. Jim Hughson asks, “The AMERICAN?!?!” Everyone laughs.

3:00pm—Stan Fischler tells us that he hasn’t seen this kind of spectacle since Dale McCourt in 1977. Reason #798234 that he has passed his expiration date.

3:30pm–Somewhere, someone is asking Jason Blake how he enjoyed his time in Long Island. He’ll wait at least 2 questions before asking, “Do you think it would have been different if Tavares was there?” I have no record of this exchange actually happening—I only have my common sense that tells me that someone would ask a question that stupid.

4:00pm–There are rumors that Gary Bettman was seen entering Ron Wilson’s office with a large envelope filled with cash. Vesa Toskula will be starting in net.

4:40pm—News of the Guillaume Latendresse trade seeps out of Montreal. Everyone in Toronto thinks that they’re just trying to steal their media attention. Scott Gordon politely reminds people that it’s the Islanders and Tavares that are creating the attention, not the Maple Leafs. A death threat is yelled from the back of the media contingent.

5:00pm—Brian Burke offers Tomas Kaberle, Matt Stajan, 2.5% interest in MLSE and their 1st round draft picks in 2012, 2013, 2014 and 2015 for Tavares. Garth Snow immediately tries to figure out which Bantam players will be going #1 overall in 2014.

5:01pm—Garth Snow asks Brian Burke why he didn’t ask for Mark Streit while he’s at it. He looks Mike Komisarek in the eye and says, “we all know how much you like former Canadien defensemen and how well they always work out for you.”

6:55pm—The American National Anthem is played at the Air Canada Centre. 18,800 people (including 191 members of the media) all watch to see which anthem is more moving to 18 year old. At least 17 stories will be written about this and reported on TSN.

6:58pm—“This is the BIGGEST game the ACC has seen this season!” Narrowly edging out the Hurricanes/Leafs “Battle For the Basement.”

7:07pm—The intro for the game on AM 640 is all of 30 seconds long. Still, they manage to tell me that Tavares had 215 goals in 242 games played in the Ontario Hockey League. They are going to be very disappointed when 39 other players show up to play.

7:10pm—Rob Schremp is a scratch. Wait, he wasn’t the big story? Ahh—that’s right, we’re not in Edmonton.

7:12pm—6 seconds into the game, there’s a stoppage in play. Radio announcer, “Well, we haven’t seen much from Tavares so far.” He says it as a joke—but we all know he really meant it.

7:13pm—And we’re already talking about Tavares’ line combinations. Let’s see how long it takes for them to talk about ANY other line changes. Are Okposo and Moulson playing on the same line? Seriously, as a listener, this is something I’d like to know.

7:35pm—The Islanders take their third penalty in the first 11:30 of the 1st period. What was it that Ron Wilson said about the Leafs and power plays? When you’re in Toronto; ask and ye shall receive.

7:43pm—Now that the Islanders are at even strength, Tavares finally gets to take another shift. Leaf fans might actually start complaining about getting TOO many power plays. Don’t they know why everyone is there? It’s not to see 4-11-6

7:46pm—Leafs radio color-guy: “Dwayne Roloson was the face of the Islanders before Tavares got there.” Of course, it doesn’t matter that Tavares was a member of the Isles before Roloson. And it doesn’t matter that Rick DiPietro is the goaltender has a 78348 year contract—not Roloson. But don’t let facts get in the way.

7:50pm–Radio announcer: “Gretzky-Lemieux-Sakic era, and then there was a gap until the Crosby-Ovechkin-Tavares era.” If a kid has only played 21 games in his career, can we really start talking about his “era?”

7:54pm–I find that the radio announcers are contractually obligated to state: “this is the first meeting between the Leafs and Isles this year. Its Tavares’s first trip to Toronto! Presented by Molson Canadian Leafs Hockey.” Seriously, we’re talking every 5 minutes.

8:00pm–Number of people in the Air Canada Centre that openly say, “You know, Tavares would look good centering Kessel and Stajan.” = 1,967.

- End of the 1st. Leafs outshot the Islanders 20-9. That’s what happens when you play with an extra man for the entire period.

- I switch from radio to television just in time for to see Sportsnet show how Tavares did nothing in the 1st period. How you can have video of a player doing nothing, I don’t know. But here they’ve done it.

Second Period

8:10pm–Jeff Tambellini makes no mistake on a breakaway to open the scoring. Amazing what happens when the Islanders get to play with 5 players. That Sopel/Parrish for Grebeshkov/Tambellini trade worked out great for the Kings.

(Sidenote: I never thought I’d say this—but I’ve found someone that plays for a New York team that is actually underrated. How can a man play for Montreal, then go to New York and still fly under the radar? I’m here to change that. Mark Streit is good.)

8:14pm–Barely any time to catch their breath, the Leafs crowd gets to see their goaltender beat again. Moulson tips a shot from the point to make it 2-0. That Moulson for no one trade is working out great for the Kings as well. For those keeping score at home: Leafs 0; Tavares 0; Ex-Kings 2.

8:24pm–Islanders score again—this time a short-handed goal by Sean Bergenheim. Apparently they don’t need 5 players. I stand corrected. That would be 3 goals on straight shots. It’s sad—no one is terribly surprised. They’re booing, but I don’t think anyone is surprised. Leafs 0; Tavares 0; Ex-Kings 2; Isles 1.

8:30pm–During the TV time-out, The Monster replaces Toskala in net. Here’s the funny thing—it doesn’t look like Wilson pulled his netminder. No, it looks like he went over to the bench and pulled himself. Maybe Vesa should start coaching—I already like his decision-making ability.

8:35pm–Kessel scores his 6th goal of the year.  It’s only taken him 7000 shots to get those 6 goals.

Third Period

8:59pm—Wayne Primeau drives to the net and puts in the rebound in front of Brenden Witt. I don’t know what people expect—everyone knows that Witt is a goal-scorer.

9:01pm—Since Toskula pulled a Roberto Duran, the announcers haven’t said Tavares’s name once. Let me go out on a limb and figure out what the story of the night will be.

9:05pm—Looks like Molson has a new beer called Molson 67. I guess that’s sponsored by Leafs Hockey too.

9:12pm—With over 11 minutes left, the Maple Leafs have 47 shots on goal. At this point, it’s clear what the big difference between these two teams. The Islanders have a goaltender that can steal a game. The Leafs have a goaltender than can steal an early shower.

9:13pm—No sooner than I type that thing about the Islanders goaltending, Nik Hagman has a great goal on Roloson. For the first time all night, we get a shot of Brian Burke. Who gives a shit what he looks like when the game is tied—I want to see him when he’s losing and pissed.

9:16pm—I understand that the announcers are excited. But when they say something as stupid as “the Leafs are just really good at coming back,” I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at my television. If they are so good at coming back, why are they 4-11-6?

9:31pm—There’s just about 2 minutes left in the game. I’m calling my shot right now: Islanders will win in a shootout. Tavares will have a goal in the shootout to win it. Calling. It. Now.

9:38pm—The Leafs just had their 60th shot on goal. The Islanders have 20. I’m told that Tavares has 1 (yet I don’t remember it).

9:41pm—Turnover, bad read by the goaltender, great pass in front of the net and NO front of the net defense all contribute to a Josh Bailey OT game-winner. Very good pass by Sean Bergenheim to make it happen. What an incredible disappointment. Not that the Islanders won—just that Tavares didn’t get the game-winner! What can I say? I wanted the hype machine to start for the next game!

10:00pm—Toronto police department start getting reports of people throwing themselves off of the top of CN Tower. The End.

If you've been back this many times and aren't a subscriber, what are you waiting for? Even if our RSS feeds scare the hell you (because you don't quite understand RSS), we promise the email alerts aren't painful at all. Seriously, a money-back-guarantee-even-though-its-free kind of promise.