When anyone watches a hockey game, there are a couple of types of players that stand out to even the most casual fan. There are the Ovechkin/Crosby/Kovalchuk types that seem like they have the puck every time they’re on the ice. There are the fighters that don’t even pretend to play hockey. And then there are the players that create havoc and hate for the entire 60 minutes.
If I were to ask most Kings fans how they fell about Corey Perry, they’d say that they hate him with the fire of a thousand suns. If you asked people in Calgary what they thought of Ryan Kesler, you might get a few dirty looks and might even hear an involuntary F bomb. If you ask Stephane Auger about Alex Burrows, then… what? Too soon?
You wouldn't want this guy on your team?
The things that you DON’T hear fans talk about are the feelings just beneath the surface—just under the hate that fills their soul. Here’s a dirty little secret: even though we hate playing those guys, we secretly would love it if they played for OUR team.
If we made this list a few years ago, you’d see names like Todd Bertuzzi, Chris Neal, Adam Foote, Darcy Tucker and Kirk Maltby (ESPECIALLY Maltby). Don’t get me wrong—their style of play hasn’t changed. It’s just that I wouldn’t want them on my team anymore. Father Time can be brutal.
A couple of other players that warranted consideration but were not selected were:
- Keith Ballard: Only goaltenders really hate this guy. No, not opposing goaltenders—his teammates.
- Sean Avery: Not going to make the list—because he HAS been on my favorite team and I hated him then too. Do. Not. Want.
- David Backes: After the Olympics, I have a strong feeling that he’s going to be on the list for every Canadian hockey fan in the world. Here’s one reason. Here’s another. And another.
- Jordin Tootoo: He has the “hate” thing down, but I’m not sure many fans would want him on their team.
- Steve Downey: Do people want players from the Lightning?
- Chris Pronger: The obvious answer for this list, I’m excluding him for the fact that I think of a really good hockey player when I think of him. Any guy that has a Hart and a Norris trophy isn’t the kind of player that you SECRETLY want—he’s the guy that you OPENLY want.
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Without further delay, here are the Top 10 players that you hate, but would secretly love to have on your team. The anti-Lady Byng nominees:
10. T.J. Oshie: Right now, he’s too good of a player and not hated enough to be ranked higher. Give him a few years for opposing fans to start to develop a healthy amount of hate and he’ll skyrocket up this list. There’s so much potential here, it almost makes me weep tears of happiness.
9. Ryan Kesler: Last season he was nominated for the Selke Trophy for best defensive forward. If you ask Andrew Ladd, I’m sure he’ll let you know how he feels about Ryan Kesler. Interestingly enough, I think Ladd’s feelings are mirrored by the entire Chicagoland area.
8. Matt Cooke: When he’s not having a finger bitten by Arron Asham and he’s not turtling away from a fight, he’s a pretty effective player.
Fighting with a visor. What a jerk...
7. Tuomo Ruutu: If it weren’t for the fact that he’s perpetually injured or suspended, he’d be higher on this list. Ever since he was traded to the Hurricanes, he’s been a blend of skill and sandpaper that had a tendency to infuriate. Somehow, I don’t think he’s going to be on Darcy Tucker’s Christmas card list anytime soon.
6. Ian Laperriere: And he has the worst nose this side of Ryan Smyth. That should count for something. Recently set the world record for most words spoken per minute on a hockey rink. Unfortunately, when he starts talking fast like that, no one can understand a word he’s saying.
5. Cal Clutterbuck: Hits anything that moves. Dives more that Greg Louganis. But now that he has shown a little offensive spark, he’s becoming an effective player. Besides, his name has SO much potential for nicknames.
4. Steve Ott: I’d take this guy in a heartbeat. Maybe faster. For those that don’t get to see Ott on a regular basis or only know him from his suspendable hits—he’s kind of like Sean Avery Lite minus the extreme douchebaggery. He’ll yap all game. He plays with tremendous speed, hits anything that moves, will score a goal then tell you all about it on the way back to the bench. Every team should have an Ott. Besides, he provides a “wealth of giggles.”
3. Alex Burrows: Overshadowed by the Stephane Auger incident has been Burrows’ breakout season. Honestly, he started to break out last season when Alain Vigneault made the decision to pair him with Henrik and Daniel Sedin. He’s added the perfect amount of grit to compliment the talented twins—and has good enough hands to finish the amazing set-ups he receives on a nightly basis.
2. Corey Perry: It’s hard to put Perry this far on the list because the hatred runs so deep. I’m not 100% sure how he does it, but he’s an expert and annoying both opponents and opposing fans like very few people in recent memory. But when you strip away all of the peripheral BS, he’s an extremely talented and effective player. You can never have enough of those kinds of guys on your team, right? (I’m still trying to convince myself)
1. Scott Hartnell: On a team full of these guys, Hartnell stands above the rest as the perfect combination of grit, talent and jerk. If opposing fans didn’t hate him so much, they’d see that he’s one of the best power forwards in the game. He scores. He fights. He sticks up for his teammates. He gets under the opponents’ skin. He’s everything you’d want out of a hockey player.
But most importantly, curly mullets are full of WIN.
